It was Almost Dead. Almost. Absolutely Nearly. You have No Idea how close I came to shutting down this blog just a few days ago.
Yep. I’d had it. And so, I would imagine, had you, O Reader, if you come to this place with any regularity at all. If you’ve come poking your electronic nose in this vicinity over the last few months, you’ve certainly noticed the dwindling frequency of the posts. The “nothing new,” “nothing new,” “nothing new” that I’ve had to offer.
It wasn’t just a lack of time– though, make no mistake, I certainly suffered from a lack of time– it was a lack of ideas. When I considered (in small snatches of no time) writing here, I had Nothing To Write. Nothing To Say. Everything I thought of writing seemed stale or would require too much effort, and either way, wasn’t worth sacrificing what small amounts of free time I had.
The result? Silence.I resolved over the past weekend to post just a few photos of our beach vacation, send the entire thing off to Lulu for publishing (for my own keepsake) and erase As In A Mirror from the face of the internet. It might have remained here for a month or two (or more?) as I waited for the publisher to do its work, and then, with a final farewell to you, O Reader, it was going to Disappear.
Why? I’ll tell you.
1. Vulnerability. While I write as obliquely as I can and even (imagine!) leave off of these pages the details and troubles of my personal life, I was feeling a bit too exposed. I mean, think about it. Some of you read what I write here and in doing so know lots of things about me– and I Have No Idea Who You Are. For the most part, I’m used to it. I realized I’ve asked for it (this is the world-wide web, after all). And most of the time, I don’t think about it. But once in a while– in a very little while– I think I’d just as soon take my blog and go home and keep these thinkings to myself.
2. Exposure. Some say that doing this is dangerous. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
3. Writing. I like writing here, I do. I like crafting these little bits and pieces and truly making them as good as I can before sending them out into the ether. But this is not, in the end, the kind of writing I want to do. I want to write fiction– literature, even– and I want to write it well. The practice I’m getting by writing in this blog is good for that in many ways, but it is simply not an effort toward producing Good Literature. As time is an issue (even during these lazy, hazy days of summer), shouldn’t my time spent writing be focused on the Real Deal? My husband and father-in-law would say yes….
There were other reasons, too, for wanting to delete As In A Mirror. Small but real ones. And yet. And yet. Here I am.
Well, if you get the chance, you can thank my dear tworivers, who pulled this blog from the brink of destruction in a cell-phone call last Sunday afternoon. Or you can thank my father, who (without knowing of its pending doom) just on Monday told me again how much he loves my blog (to which I answered, somewhat apologetically, that “there is nothing new there!” to which he responded without hesitation “but I was reading old posts!”). Or you can thank statcounter, the only means by which I can spy on You and which provides me with (nebulous) information (at best) (though I can sometimes figure you out) as to how many people are looking at this blog and where (in the world!) they are.
Just the other day, someone in Sweden read this blog. In Sweden! I’m sure it was an accident.
So I’m not going to delete it. Maybe my school-induced brain-freeze is thawing, but I have a list of pending posts (once again) on a little slip of paper in my dining room.
And — blog or no– my novel is stirring in my brain once again. I can’t tell you how many times I thought it had abandoned me and wondered, more than once (after these two years of curriculum development and thesis writing) if it was gone forever. I am delighted and agitated (the need to write always agitates me) to report that it is there– very much alive and (if I say so myself) stronger than ever in its design. And I’m not going to talk about it. Nope.
Yes, I’m not going to delete the blog, though the posts might be infrequent. Check in if you want to. It will be here. And so, from time to time, will I.
Besides, I haven’t posted any pictures (yet) of our (last week) beach vacation. Coming soon….
